


Never Again

by meiqis



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: M/M, Zhengting is jealous and that's it, actually I don't even know what to put here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 17:04:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16268591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/pseuds/meiqis
Summary: When a wedding becomes a charade of friendships and relationships changing place, Zhengting can't help but feel alone in his jealousy, wallowing in self-pity and hoping to never become a bother to his boyfriend he loves so much.or: Yanjun has to act as a het and Zhengting is forced to go along with it





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PengiBaer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PengiBaer/gifts).



> based on [ this cc prompt](https://curiouscat.me/dadting/post/658439619)  
> and I say this a lot, I know, but this work really is a mess because I've been working on it for more days than is good and probably lost focus once too often so I can only hope it's not disappointing too much omg

Silently he stared down at his hands, had done so ever since he had settled in the hotel room they would occupy for the weekend, four walls and the door to the balcony that was grand enough to replace the need for additional windows were supposed to seem cheerful and comfortable and yet he wasn’t able to feel neither of which, felt trapped in the luxurious room and hurting where his body was settled on the bed and he was aware that it was a mental thing, quite so, but it didn’t mean he could just ignore it for that reason, the way his inner turmoil showed itself in physical ways because he had been tormented for weeks now, with the last days being especially a bad case to him.  
Right now the greeting card prepared by the hotel seemed awfully hurtful, stabbing daggers into his heart, the cursive and neat handwriting that welcomed them and wished them a wonderful wedding, the one they had to attend, only a reminder of this event that he had been looking forward to and yet dreaded so much.  
For sure he was happy to find one of his closest high school friends getting married to one of Yanjun’s cousins, was looking forward to the ceremony that would mark an important point in their life, was a tad envious because it wasn’t something he could experience himself, it simply was for the circumstances he felt so awfully sick right this moment, to the point he wanted to lock himself into the bathroom, get rid of the breakfast he had cooked with less love than was normal for their Saturday morning routine, and then hide in there for the whole of the day and if it meant to miss out on the wedding and the celebration and whatever else there was to come.  
Circumstances that might as well just mean one person, a person he wanted to hate except he was never able to - Mrs Lin, aka his boyfriend’s own mother, was like a second mother to him, it came naturally with how often he had stayed over at their place, pretending to get tutored by the upperclassman or just using friendship as the base of all their lies, it had been that way for three years, interrupted only once when Yanjun had moved to Beijing to attend university and it had, quite honestly so, been a horrible year; he had begged Yanjun to always come back for holidays, he had invested the whole of his pocket money - admittedly, he had quite an amount of that - into train tickets and hotel fees just so he could stay with his boyfriend for a weekend, and his mother had always accepted that, had told him to be careful, to call every once in a while or send an update, his mother had trusted the two of them, his mother was the entire opposite of Yanjun’s.  
Yanjun’s mother had more often than not expressed her dislike towards those “disgusting punks who won’t even work towards carrying on their family pride”, which was, honestly so, just her civilized way of saying that homosexuals, or about anyone who wasn’t the perfect straight child, were disappointments towards their own blood for not continuing on on traditions that were somehow set in stone, after decades and centuries of following similar patterns, the ones people might think were slowly broken down, patterns of marrying only within their own ranks, of bearing children as soon as possible, patterns that would ensure the continuation of their family line, and it had sometimes made him wonder whether the older woman would be fine with her son doing whatever he pleased as long as he’d get married before his next decade of life and then have his wife birth a child before the third dozen of years would have passed.  
But it was that very dislike that was still reason for them, despite getting closer to their first ten-year anniversary with the days passing, to keep their relationship mostly a secret, surely, their friends in Beijing were aware, how could they not, with their place decorated with their pictures, with traces of their shared living everywhere, up to the point Yanjun had needed to lie about water damage just to have an excuse for his mother not to visit them during a business trip to the capitol, the problems with her back, as mean as it sounded, later becoming their saving because she put off visiting them again, especially with her son insisting he’d just come home instead.  
It was also this very dislike that had them, at least officially, attend this wedding as separate entities, something he already dreaded, it had never gone well before, surely it wouldn’t go well this time around either, and silently he was already pondering what would happen this time around, whether they’d fight again, whether one of them would get drunk again, whether he’d get hurt again, whether-  
“It won’t happen again,” a gentle voice promised him, smaller hands taking his and blocking the movements he hadn’t noticed having started, the way he had begun to pick on the small scars on his digits and palm, inconspicuous enough to not get noticed unless people looked for them, and not the skin around some of the white patches was sore and red, torn open from where he had managed to dig in deep enough and hurting when he moved his hand this way or that, or at least they would if only he was allowed to do exactly that. “You are overthinking this again, Zheng. Don’t do this to yourself.”  
Following the line of revealed skin, the pale flesh and slender limbs, he finally managed to reach Meiqi’s face, painted in gentle worries and this kind of infinite amount of love she always carried in her eyes when looking at the people treasured by her, making him feel somewhat calmer but still not warm inside, he wouldn’t be able to feel that way unless a certain voice was released into his ears, low words that would ease him down while fingers were caressing his sides, caressing through layers of clothes, but that wasn’t a possibility right now and he knew.  
“You should start to get ready now, dear,” the younger still went one, his both hands trapped by one of hers while the other carded through his hair slowly, easing him the way she had done nearly all her life long, acting as the little sister he had never had but was so quite thankful for, with her reassuring words and gentle ways and that sometimes needed kick to his ass, “Take your minds off things and then make me look pretty too. The sooner we are ready the faster you get to see Yanjun again and sneak in some kisses before the wedding.”  
The glare he offered her in return might have been able to turn anyone else into a tiny coward but not the dancer, not the one who was used to all his antics and silently bore with them, no, she only lead him to the bathroom and closed the door behind and he assumed he should feel thankful, for her to guide her on when he really wasn’t in the mood, but the knowledge of what would come after, once they had gotten dressed and styled and headed down to the ballroom, of the many hours in which he wasn’t allowed to get too close to Yanjun, stare too long, have touches linger, during which he needed to watch women hit on the Adonis and try to snatch what wasn’t theirs, during which he needed to listen to Yanjun’s mom about her expectations about family and all her wishes, simply put, it had him on the verge of despair.  
Whenever it happened, it made him feel pathetic, because he was aware that he had agreed to this so many years ago or he’d risk his boyfriend getting eliminated from his own family, treated as someone dead and worse, well aware of the consequences, and yet he had never been able to bear with it, he always got jealous or upset, he hated that his love was so close and yet out of reach, he wanted to gently grab all the ladies trying to flirt with his boyfriend by the shoulders and have them take a U-turn and abandon what was his, but he wasn’t allowed to, he couldn’t do it, and so he would just need to give in to his fate of being an abject and pitiful something that could only get drunk in the corner of the room.  
At this point he was quite sure more than just one person was considering him having problems with alcohol and drinking, something he was certain wouldn’t decrease now of all days, or at least he was until seeing Meiqi sitting on the generous bed, dressed in one of those fluffy hotel robes and apparently just having finished painting her toenails, reminding him quite well of how, indeed, he might not need to get drunk this time around, not when he had someone to entertain him for a chance, or maybe also just someone to take all the wine glasses from him.  
He received a probing look from her for a moment before she already got up, jumping on her way to the bathroom to pull out the sponges that had spread her toes apart to not mess up the paint job, something that was effective enough to have him shake his head with a little smirk because it was just that hilarious, his amusement only interrupted by her reminder once before she disappeared behind a closing door. “Get ready fast. I don’t want to have to wait on you when I’m coming out again.”  
Which, quite obviously, wouldn’t refer to her leaving the small bath in a perfectly dressed manner, no way, he knew her too well and also her habit of making him her beauty slave, something he actually had also often volunteered to do, merely because he loved getting her hair turned into simple but enchanting arrangements and to see her beautiful looks become a bit more colorful and sparkling, but he also knew what she meant instead, for him to not get carried away with his own habit of applying makeup and putting up his hair because they were, want it or not, somewhat tight on time, at least if they wanted to arrive at the reception in time.  
With that thought in mind, it all seemed to turn into a blur all too easily, the way he’d dry his hair and blow it to perfect texture, the several steps of getting dressed and following up on his skincare routine to perfect his looks entirely, thinking about why he was supposed to put in the extra effort if there was no one to impress in first place, only to be interrupted by Meiqi again, her wet fingers drawing a line on his neck as she leaned over to look at the mirror he sat in front, smile approving and digits pinching and then she already had her back turned to him to get dressed in underwear, his manners enough for her to believe in as she put on the little layer of clothes before covering herself in the robe again and, frankly, even if he weren’t solely interested in men, he was quite sure that after all those years there was little he hadn’t seen yet, although that didn’t mean he’d ever turn on her wanting her privacy regardless.  
“You know,” she suddenly started, between slaps of cream on skin that he guessed was lotion, something about it having to do with her girlfriend loving the smooth sensation of her skin or similar, the squelching sound being wondrous because surely she had used too much of the product and seemed to be intent on rubbing it all in regardless, “You never told me how exactly you got those scars. Yanjun only said it was his fault but aside from that…”  
A little surprised he took in her words, watching her lithe form in the mirror for a moment before he finished up his looks, shaking his head lightly in denial to her words but unseen by the one he was replying to, merely so because he didn’t have the right words at hand, he didn’t know how to admit to his own mistakes, not when he hadn’t even told his boyfriend the entire story, though, he assumed, the quite literally bloody details had easily been collected from the very Mrs Lin herself.  
“It wasn’t his fault,” he finally replied, startling the woman who was busy looking through her bag, had surely not expected to still receive a reply to her indirectly asked question but he didn’t want to keep it from her either, not when she had been the one to treat his wounds over the New Year’s celebrations because he had been too frustrated with himself to let Yanjun see the extent of his own faults and shortcomings, so instead, as if it would help run from his own problems, he had instead gone to the med student and offered her some practice on his own expanse.  
With a sigh he fell back into his chair, throwing his head back to stare at the bland and boring ceiling, simple cream color that wasn’t the least interesting actually but still seemed better than the various expressions he could imagine Meiqi showing if only she heard his upcoming words, emotions that could range from her just rolling her eyes over being quite worried and, honestly, he was sick of that expression after having seen it for weeks those months ago, and finally landing with slight mockery because he had indeed been that dumb but, “I crashed a wine glass in my hand.”  
He didn’t bother to really look at her, way more distracted by the memories that came up, of a chilly winter night that was quite the contrary to the warm weather of late summer outside, the snow that had been falling down so calmly outside, it must have been the second day of Christmas festivities, Yanjun’s parents had organized a little party to celebrate the western holiday, having taken a liking to its meaning in treasuring family, everyone gathering up, thoughts like that, but he really, really wished she hadn’t.  
Surely he had been invited along with his boyfriend, except he had come along as only the dutiful best friend who deserved to be married off just like the older, he wasn’t even sure how many females he had been introduced to just because Mrs Lin had hoped to be able to set at least one of them up, all for the sake of family spirit and what else, and there might have been one or two that had offered an interesting topic of conversation but, quite frankly, for him it had stopped there, with not even Fu Jing around to entertain him while his lover was auctioned like a cow he had instead decided to indulge in drinking, using it as excuse over and over again to disappear in the kitchen, mindful to not encounter his kind of mother-in-law or else she’d actually dare to push him beneath one of those mistletoes with one of the ladies whose name he had had already forgotten at that point in time, which seemed all the more likely when the older lady had downed one eggnog too many.  
“I saw him kiss someone… Or rather, he was kissed,” he went further on, it must have been around midnight when his suspicions had been proven right, except it hadn’t happened to him, he had still been standing in the kitchen but with a perfect sight to the hallway out, had seen how his boyfriend had been called to a halt by his mother only to be joined by a slightly tipsy femme the next second, someone else calling out “Mistletoe!” and in her intoxicated state, that stranger had actually dared tiptoe to kiss the handsome man and, under the roars of the viewers and the Christmas carols blasted through speakers, he had squelched the glass in his hand, fisted his fingers to drive the shards he had caught even deeper into the skin, wine seeping into the wounds and he should have cared more but in his shock he hadn’t even noticed; not until minutes later, when someone had found him and startled him out of his trance with a shriek, only for Mrs Lin to be the first to react and find him in his injured state, the remaining shards and wine pooled on the floor, soaking his socks and had they not stopped him in time, he might even have stepped into the mess on the ground.  
The next happenings had all happened in a haze, he had been guided to the bathroom, the woman that was like a second mother taking care to find all the pieces of glass in his wrecked hand and pull them out, disinfecting and bandaging up his palm and digit and, without even telling his boyfriend, he had then left the party with only his wet socks hanging over the edge of the bathroom to serve as proof of his visit, he hadn’t bothered to bid farewell to anyone but the family head as he had left silently, saying he’d rather not disrupt the party, he had just headed home, where he was supposed to sleep, and ignored Yanjun’s texts and calls entirely until noon of the upcoming day, sharing the car back home, silently getting in and hiding his hand but he should have known better than to trust the other’s mother’s silence.  
“Does Yanjun…” The younger started but was stopped by his shaking his head, he had never told the exact reason as to why he had shattered that glass but perhaps it wasn’t even necessary, all he had insisted was that never again he would act the role of a best friend, he wouldn’t go through it again, he wouldn’t even bother asking what his boyfriend told his own mom but definitely and surely, Zhengting didn’t want to attend another of these parties that was merely a cover up to getting the two men to harbor interest in a woman they didn’t know.  
Now it was all the more ironic that they were back at it again, the very same situation of acting as just best friends, although, admittedly, he felt quite relieved about Fu Jing and Meiqi being around, at least he didn’t need to watch Yanjun getting flirted with and his best friend would be able to distract him as well, although that didn’t exactly mean he would be able to escape the matchmaking of his boyfriend’s mother entirely, as he assumed, because the unfortunate thing with family events like weddings was that a lot of people attended, though, not all of them would encourage the luxury that was spending a long weekend in a hotel because they’d need to rent a room there anyways, not to mention the ease that was only having to take an elevator ride down to the reception hall to join the wedding party instead of worrying about traffic because of getting ready at home.  
With a sigh he accompanied such thought and heaved himself up from his seat, signing the younger to settle there before he’d adjust the angle for the proper light he’d need to get her makeup done too, pulling out different things from her cosmetic bag and his own, just so he could make sure she would look the best, despite her already outstanding features but he liked to pride himself with making her so breathtaking he could already see Fu Jing tripping over air - might be faulted to the high heels at such time too.  
Quite some time must have passed because he was nearly done with beating that pretty face with various amounts of products, the exact beauty routine his so-called secret even when it was the most basic of makeups to do, because, as some proverb surely went, beauty lies within simplicity, and simplicity meant enhancing natural features to the point people might be able to call out the use of cosmetic products but never the amount of, and he had just finished painting her lips a vivid red when she dared speak up despite the risk of ruining the applied color, “You know it won’t happen today, right? Fu Jing is around and if anyone dared kiss him, you know she’d use the welcome excuse of being his girlfriend to start a fight…”  
“Are you worried about me, your girlfriend or that unlucky lady then?” He replied with some amusement and despite knowing that, because the older of the two was quite the possessive lady, much like her same aged friend, he might add, it didn’t mean the jealousy and anger he’d feel if it actually took place were something he could just eradicate, neither the fear of exactly it happening again.  
With a little smile and a shrug, Meiqi bought herself some time to figure out her reply but another reason might be his adding the final touch to her eye makeup for not answering immediately, yet when she did, it was one that was way more delighting, “The bride and her groom. And now hurry up a bit or I won’t be able to see that idiot anymore!”  
A quite lovely nickname for a girlfriend, Zhengting thought to himself but did as been told, moving on to gently blow dry luscious blonde hair, waves skillfully created by turning the brush in just the right way and the little braiding he wove done in the most careful and neat way he could utter before he shushed her off to put on her dress, choosing to take his tie and jacket along to the hallway to give her enough privacy to get dressed on her own, already blessing they had chosen to live in a hotel room because it meant all he needed to take along downstairs was the roomcard, now shoved into the inside pocket of his jacket while he wrapped the tie around his neck, trying to do it properly without a mirror.  
“Let me,” a voice softly uttered, warm hands covering his to stop his fumbling and as he looked up, he was victim of his own boyfriend’s handsome features, hands skillfully fumbling with the fabric slip to knot it the proper way before the very same piece was used to yank him closer, plush lips meeting his in such a gentle way, reassuring and replacing words he yearned to hear, the promise of paying attention and sticking around, the plea not to worry too much, all that soon turning more aggressive as his body was backed against a wall, strong figure pressing against his and stealing all air from his lungs and proper thinking from his mind.  
Only a little cough from the side disrupted them, and where Yanjun looked more than just smug with the kind of effect he still had on his love, the latter at least had the mannerisms to look somewhat sheepish at Meiqi standing in the doorway, successfully having captivated their attention she now turned around to show the open zipper running down the expanse of her back, closed and hidden from sight when the younger male moved, catching a glimpse of the female’s amused expression now.  
“At least he didn’t mess up your clothes,” the youngest whispered but was interrupted herself by a low whistle and an equally as stunning looking Fu Jing coming down the hallway, their dresses apparently being from the same collection if the fabric and cut were anything to go by, long legs shown off perfectly and it had Zhengting rolling his eyes, could imagine their way of shopping, the older wanting to see those legs supposedly perfectly shaped from years of dancing and said dancer being quick to retaliate, insisting if one of them wore a slit dress, the other would need to too.  
“Zhengting really did do a great job and I’d love to mess it up now but I’m scared of Mrs Lin so,” instead of a proper continuation, the last arrived shooed them on towards the elevators, the two couples still forming on and it would be quite a lie to say that the digits wrapping around his scared ones weren’t reassuring, calming his nerves for the time they were still allowed to be affectionate before needing to change up partners like a game of pairs being mixed up.

Admittedly, the wedding had been nice, a beautiful dream of white lilies and cream colored silk ribbons, the groom in his suit and the bride in a dress that would be overdone on any day that wasn’t a wedding day, maybe also a huge event like the MET Gala but no normal human could afford such thing so it was silently and secretly erased from his mind, and that throughout the durance of the ceremony no one would have dared hit on Yanjun was just the cherry on top, his own eyes ever so often darting to that golden neck and sleek black hair, even he would need to admit it was kind of paranoid to want to keep such a close eye on his lover but, honestly, he couldn’t help it, not when it had happened once too often.  
Although it would usually take place in clubs, that excessive flirting, even around Mrs Lin’s parties it had never happened as intensely as during those nights out, something college students would naturally do, especially after those hellish weeks of exams, going out with friends, having a drink or two too many only to dance the daze away again, stumbling into a taxi and heading home for lazy make out sessions and close cuddles or more, it was something that was supposed to be enjoyable and despite that it had rather aided this obsessive habit of his.  
At times, that he would agree too, it could be a turn on, getting jealous to the point Yanjun was more than just eager to prove him just who he belonged to, he loved the aggressive way of his boyfriend at those times, the teeth tearing at his throat, bruising his skin, the way grips would be even harsher and leaving colored marks on his wrists, his waist, his hips, his thighs, the kind of thoughts he shouldn’t indulge right now as he was supposed to pay attention to the wedding, but the happenings before each of these nights, the memory of, mostly, females walking up to his lover whenever the older went to get them drinks at the bar, the way they so shamelessly flirted and became touchy, it was upsetting and infuriating to the point he hadn’t noticed how much he had tensed up in his seat until he felt slender fingers wrap around his, just the way it had happened before, the silent reassurance coming from the younger next to him, Meiqi’s warm hand, so lithe and petite, it reminded him that at least not all women would approach him with the idea of having found a way to get closer to Yanjun, although he was sure it had happened the other way around at times too.  
The dancer gave him a soft smile, forgotten about the next moment when he heard the familiar “Yes, I do” from the very front of the hall the ceremony took place in, meaning he had missed a great part of the talkings, maybe even the pledges uttered by the wedded couple, and it had him feel a pang of guilt deep in his chest, he was supposed to cheer on his friend and Yanjun’s cousin, not indulge his own jealousy to the point it was only getting him antsy and merely because he was paranoid after all the things that had happened.  
He knew he was supposed to cheer them on, the pair that looked so happy now, relieved, a huge weight taken off their shoulders after the ceremony was over and the celebration started, but the longer it went on, the antsier he felt, merely because sharing a table with Yanjun, although sitting some seats apart, also meant he heard all of his boyfriend’s relatives ask about Fu Jing, the female so charming now that she had to be, a perfect girlfriend, a perfect match, and by the end of the meal he felt the light buzz of alcohol in his system already, with one after another glass of champagne downed despite the worried gazes Meiqi shot him whenever they didn’t have to greet anyone themselves, either those of his lover’s relatives he knew already or other friends from school who had been invited along, to some extent it had him feeling guilty towards the younger who was supposed to look after him tonight but he wasn’t willing to stop, not when his beloved hadn’t even spared him a look for half an hour now.  
“Zhengting,” his acting-as girlfriend next to him called out softly, resting her hand on his lower arm once he was done massacring the dessert on his plate, hardly having eaten anything of because he was no fan of chocolate, “Maybe we should go get some fresh air. What do you think?”  
His reply was only a low hum at first, all while getting up, gesturing for her to stay seated but a look towards Yanjun told him that even such grand movement of his, getting up from his seat and ready to leave, went unnoticed entirely because there were still so many people interested in seeing the long lost family member, which was also his fault, he hadn’t wanted to go to family parties ever since that one Christmas celebration and without him his boyfriend hadn’t gone either, it wasn’t something the Lins and their partners knew, all they knew was they finally got to know that “girlfriend” of years and they were fawning over her.  
Originally he had hoped that by going out to the balcony or the gardens or whatever it was that laid behind the huge window doors, he’d be also able to escape having to see everyone loving the idea of his boyfriend finally settling down with a woman despite it all just being part of a lie, all too easily believed for pretty things were more easily accepted and a handsome young man dating a beautiful and charismatic woman was definitely something pretty in their eyes, way contrary to their far away relative actually living with another male and having sex for the sake of sex and not to work towards getting children, a thought that was quite heart wrenching, yet he just swallowed all his self-pity and stress down in favor of smiling at all the people who stopped him on the way outside.  
Silently he was cursing in his mind, snatching his n-th glass from a waiter passing by as he nodded his head towards whatever was sad, all about “Doesn’t the bride look so pretty in her dress?” and “The wedding was really romantic, don’t you think so?” or “Oh, look at you, you’re Yanjun’s friend, right? Did you already know his girlfriend for long? They’re such a charming couple, aren’t they?”, and while the questions and smalltalks about the wedding were still easy, something he could deal with, he felt his fingers clench around his glass whenever the talk was directed at that possible next wedding to take place, because his “best friend” and “his girlfriend” were at the perfect age to marry, right?  
The time it took him to finally reach the doors and sneak outside with the help of an employee felt like an eternity, his steps wobbly by the time he reached the stone railing thanks to the amount of glasses he had downed already, luckily he wasn’t quite as much of a lightweight as some of his other friends, he could still remember having taken their friends - the legal ones, at least - for drinks once and… well, it hadn’t ended all that well, he was just lucky they hadn’t managed to rope him into the Tequila shots as well or god knew what state he’d have been in himself when Yanjun was taking him home finally.  
Despite the time it had taken, to finally be able to rest his palms on the cool stone, the marble not having gotten warmed up by the sun that much, and to breathe some fresh air scenting like flowers was quite relaxing, just getting to watch the gardens for a bit before he turned around again, instinct telling him to look for his boyfriend immediately, find their table, the familiar black head, but he wasn’t there, although he felt a bit relieved that Fu Jing and Meiqi finally had a chance to talk a bit, there was uneasiness spreading through his body when he didn’t find his lover fast enough, eyes darting around what he could see of the hall, trying to find that navy suit they had bought together, needing a new one because after losing weight because of university stress the older had lost too much weight, and yet, once he found who he had looked for, he wished he hadn’t.  
It was all too much like usual, like in the bars or even school, the way people, especially women, crowding around his boyfriend because a good-looking man wasn’t oh so easy to come by, he could see the interest on their faces, could see the smile that was definitely fake on handsome features, and deep in his heart he urged Fu Jing to notice because it wasn’t his right to interfere, not in this setting where nobody knew that they were a pair, all he could do was watch the happenings while hating them so much, feeling familiar emotions running through him and yet such different ones.  
In bars it was easier, Yanjun would just shake those ladies off because they were strangers, he’d return to their table and if any of them would have been stubborn enough to trail after him, just to be faced with Zhengting himself and others of their friends, they either got the hints that was the younger snuggling against his boyfriend or they were told off by someone else, in differing levels of gruffness, so he guessed their school time would be the most familiar to this scene.  
Because in school they hadn’t been around each other all the time, during the longer breaks, surely, but being in different grades had proven to be difficult at times, their lunch breaks didn’t always match, the time they finished classes neither, their clubs were quite different, so all he could do was make the best of those times he could visit his boyfriend and vice versa, and whereas he loved finding Yanjun in one of their hidden meeting places, all the more he hated passing by the older’s classroom only to find him crowded by girls, those hopeless suckers for pretty faces, saying all this and all that about looking good in PE or for being so smart to know English so well or asking whether he had eaten the snacks they had prepared, always making him feel a tinge of jealousy that was only relieved when he got to watch how Yanjun gave away the snacks received by his admirers to the kids of the elementary school they passed by to instead thank him, his boyfriend, for preparing his favorite banana milk or getting him the jellies favored so much.  
In the end, it all came down to him feeling jealous about Yanjun being too handsome for his own good, not like he minded that much, even he was aware enough of his own shallowness to know that the initial reason for him to have taken a liking to the older boy had been because of those good looks, but being such a perfect person, good-looking and smart and athletic, it was like a giant LED hovering above him that showed PERFECT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL in the flashiest way possible, while above his own dyed hair was but a grey cloud showing off his petty feelings.  
At those times, consumed by his own feelings, recalling the words of Mrs Lin how a man of Yanjun’s age was supposed to find a woman to marry and to plan family with, he always needed said man the most, needed to feel and hear that calm reassurance, craved a hand to hold his, to steady him and ground his thoughts, needed those gentle kisses or harsh markings to know that his feelings weren’t one-sided to that extent, but he guessed it wasn’t that easy while they were surrounded by the Lin family and high school friends and other people he didn’t even know, probably from the local university most of his high school classmates had attended, unlike them two, or their workplaces, he didn’t even know exactly where they all came from, but he reasoned they were the very equivalent to his getting soothed as was a cockblock to having sex.  
Without realizing, he had made his way inside again only to find himself stopped by the very Mrs Lin herself, she was a charming lady, undoubtedly, and quite handsome for her age too, on most days he liked the woman who was like a second mom to him but with the current circumstances and his own foul mood, he could guess quite well what he’d get to anticipate listening to and he didn’t look nearly as forward to it as she did. “Zhengting, dearie! How are you? I wanted to greet you earlier but you were suddenly gone, only leaving your charming little girlfriend behind!”  
“She isn’t my girlfriend,” is what he wanted to growl at her but instead he had already put on a charming smile without noticing, taking the rough from housework hand into his own to gently hold it, stroking the back of the stranger hand while always being mindful not to grab it too harshly despite his frustrations while already answering the way he knew she preferred, “I felt a bit dizzy in here, it’s so warm and with the many people around… But I’m happy to finally get to greet you, mother. Have you been well?”  
“Oh, very well, very well,” the older replied with a gentle smile, parting her lips for further words to come, surely overjoyed to see the happiness on Zhengting’s face too but the male, much unlike her certain assumptions, was already bracing himself for what was to come next, getting not the least disappointed although he’d have hoped for it, “Especially now that I finally got to meet my son’s girlfriend! I know I should cheer on my niece on this day but I’m way too delighted to know my baby’s in good hands. Fu Jing was it, right? You must know her since she’s talking to your girlfriend so much, so tell me, is she a nice girl? Surely she’s matching Yanjun well, don’t you think so? When I talked to her…”  
Already letting the stream of words coming from purple painted lips fade away to white noise, only humming, smiling and nodding whenever it was needed, he could feel the bile rise in the back of his throat, the way his stomach was twisting in pain so when he heard Meiqi call his name from a few meters down and saw Mrs Lin’s surprised face morphing into a knowing smile, looking from the young girl to him, all he could do was force out a “Fu Jing is a nice girl, a very charming girlfriend,” before he parted from the older lady, bowing lightly to bid his farewell towards his boyfriend’s parents for the moment only to pull Meiqi into a hug, resting his chin on top of her hand, requesting just a moment to calm down.  
Forcing his fingers to lay flat on her back instead of tensing up was all he could do while inhaling the scent of her shampoo that was much like home to him, his only reassurance at the moment but once he had calmed down enough, he smiled softly at her, trying to lessen her worries about him, and instead asked, “I think the party is quite over already. Do you want to take Fu Jing and leave in a while?”  
“No,” she laughed while shaking her head, tilting her head into the direction of the main couple’s table, his attention drawn to the small bouquet laying on top of when she started speaking again, “We decided to wait for her throwing the flowers and then we’ll try to slip away. It shouldn’t be noticed since no one really knows us anyways.”  
“Except for his mom…” he muttered under his breath but seeing Meiqi’s questioning look, he only shook his head and told her to wait at the table for him, not eager to repeat his words but quite eager to revive his tipsy state that had passed in a second when talking to said woman, hoping at least that much would be able to erase his hurting.

It wasn’t, as he figured another hour later, it was already dawning outside, Yanjun still hadn’t paid him any attention, and the throw of the bouquet was coming up at the moment, all the ladies gathered on the dancefloor in the middle of the hall, eagerness of differing stages towards catching the bundle and he only made sure he knew where their two female friends were before his eyes drifted off towards his boyfriend again, still caught up talking to relatives - to be exact, the groom at the moment - now that he wasn’t circled by the women Fu Jing had fought off a while ago, and still not paying the least of attention to him, something that was quite upsetting because maybe they weren’t considered boyfriends by everyone around but weren’t they supposed to act as best friends, at least?  
Loud cheers and claps pulled him out of his reveries so he looked at the women gathered up, only to find Fu Jing holding the bouquet in her hands, big brown orbs directed at her girlfriend, and it was another of those moments where he knew he was supposed to be cheering someone on, be happy for them, but all he could do was feel dread, because the one catching it was supposed to marry next, which meant that Fu Jing was the destined one, and while Meiqi would now have something to look forward to despite her tender age, all the people surrounding them would think about it concerning the former and his boyfriend, his, not hers, and he felt a wave of sickness again.  
As unobtrusive as possible, he left his place to sneak out onto the terrace once again, except this time he felt a pair of eyes burning hot into his back, not even needing to look back to know it were Yanjun’s, making him feel snarky as he thought to himself that it was just like his boyfriend, caring and worrying only when he needed it the least, because much rather he’d have some fresh air in his lungs and the approaching evening chill calming his body and nerves, not wanting to feel the heat of jealousy and frustration all over again, wanting to be able to blame the tremble of his hands on the cold outside instead.  
This time around, though, he found himself not being alone for all that long, instead the doors opened again and the noises flooding outside startled him, more so to have a glass of juice handed to him by someone he didn’t know yet, either one of the friends from university or the workplace of the wedded couple, but he found the attention, in his selfish ways, somewhat soothing, after having to see Yanjun getting flirted with all the time to finally have someone tend to him was a good boost to his ego he shouldn’t need in first place.  
“I’d have brought you something more fitting for us adults but I saw you having a lot of that already,” the stranger said while handing him the glass of sparkling red before holding out his hand, waiting until Zhengting took it to speak up again, “I’m Yenlei. I assume that based on your table and who you talk to, you belong to the groom’s family?”  
Testing the dancer took a sip, cranberry juice, before he shook his head slowly, eyes darting towards Mrs Lin still in her seat before they returned to the man in front of him, or, rather, now next to him, mimicking the way he was leaning against the stone railing again. “I went to school with the bride, actually. But his, the groom’s, I mean, cousin is a long-time friend so I know their family somewhat.”  
“So we’re here because of the same person then,” the other said with some delight mixed into his voice, enough so to earn himself a short glimpse from Zhengting before his eyes returned to the only man of his desire still inside, their eyes only meeting for a moment before one of the women closeby fished for his attention again and even that little bit was taken from him, so he rather raised an eyebrow at the still stranger who understood the expression the very way it was meant, encouraging him to go on, “I work with her in a law firm. Coming here on my own and watching them being all lovey-dovey had me feeling a bit lonely, but maybe I don’t need to leave alone?”  
In any other situation, Zhengting would probably have been quite upset, the flirting was done in such a horrible way but the expression on Yenlei’s face was so open and showing his interest, it didn’t quite carry the insinuation of those words being said in a club or bar or elsewhere, it made him smile softly as he raised his glass to his lips again, relishing in the feeling of at least not getting flirted with by a woman he’d have no interest in anyways but someone who would be quite charming if only not… “I think you misunderstood but I didn’t come here alone.”  
“I don’t want to seem rude but… The girl isn’t your girlfriend, is she?”  
If the way his body stiffened was anything to go by, it was quite the right assumption, and even in the dim light the flirty one seemed to notice for he went on right away, “I’ve been watching you for a while now and you do interact with her quite a lot but you touch her like I’d touch my little sister. And you keep looking at that one man often and his girlfriend caught the bouquet too… I hoped to be able to maybe get a chance of making you forget him.”  
There was a little voice in his head telling him to do it, to flirt more, flirt back, to repay Yanjun in quite the way he deserved because it was how he was feeling all afternoon long already but the mere thought of it was making him feel bad too, because he was already driven by his own jealousy and feeling sorry for himself, he didn’t need another of that sort, only making resolving things at night more difficult for them, so he found himself replying the very way he should, or he thought he should, “I’m sorry… You’re a nice guy from what I’ve seen but even if I were interested, I live too far away so it would only bother you on the long term, and I live with the guy I’m so obviously crushing on so I’d only end up hurting you. I guess you-”  
“Zhengting!” A voice suddenly called him, interrupting his words to instead find Yanjun standing in the open doorway, gaze harsh and unyielding even towards his boyfriend but if looks could kill, for sure Yenlei would be dead that very moment, and much to his surprise, he found the man next to him dropping his nice expression as he looked at the intruder, the feeling of a confrontation coming up which, honestly, the called would rather avoid, it was too tiring and it would leave too many questions to be answered in case of a fight so he just gave in, forcing a smile as he placed his half full glass on the stone he was leaning against before pushing himself off.  
“It was nice talking to you, Yenlei. I’m sure you’ll find someone who makes you go home no longer alone but I’m not that one,” he said and, fast as he could to avoid the local catching him, headed for the door his boyfriend was holding open still, not even sparing him a gaze as he went past despite it being so easy to read the older, to know there were some things his lover wanted to say at the moment but wasn’t allowed to, because it wasn’t the right place, not the right time, and yet, when his wrist was caught and he was forced to a halt, even when he wasn’t looking at the one stopping him, he felt the urgency behind it, an urgency he just shook off to head for the bar to look for Meiqi with the drink he craved already in his hands.

By the time it was entirely dark outside, he already found himself curled into bed, all lights in the room off but the curtains wide open to enjoy the view of the night sky outside, some stairs faintly visible now that they were a bit outside even their hometown, or his hometown, considering Yanjun had only moved there later and yet he was so incredibly glad it had happened, that he had gotten the chance to meet who he’d easily call the love of his life, he couldn’t imagine being any happier than this, except maybe he could, but only if this damn charade of acting as best friends would stop, the day he’d stop feeling as jealous as he was because “A woman is what you need in your life, Yanjun!” and “You and Fu Jing are such an adorable couple!”  
Bluntly, if they were to come out even in their hometown, he wasn’t sure a lot of people would actually support them, surely a lot would shun them, some would deny ever having known them, the Lins would entirely abandon them and his own mother would be so overjoyed to finally be able to throw them a party to celebrate their next anniversary and whatever else was to come after, his family would be supportive as were their friends in Beijing, but even if a lot of people would disregard them after being told the truth, at least he would be able to indulge the thought of getting to walk down the streets hand in hand, to kiss in public, to be able to say the other was taken whenever someone dared flirt with his boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind the downsides as long as it meant being able to be honest and upfront with all the people around.  
But that, in return, would only be unfair towards the older, the man he claimed to love so much, because to get forsaken by his own family wasn’t fair in the least, neither would it be to force exactly that upon his partner, so all he could do was bear with it and hope no more incidents would happen, no more of those tiny scars decorating his hands scattering across other parts of his body, although that evening they were outshadowed by crescents dug into his flesh from wherever he had fisted his hands too much, his palms sore and irritated, ruddy even in the dim lights, and a careful reminder of how drained he was of all energy, the day had been long and the moment he decided to leave for their room was one where he was clearly intoxicated already, able to walk straight only because the college life drained one in drinking but he had felt tight and suffocated, too many people, too hot, lack of oxygen, it was a relief to fall against the back of the elevator and even more so to stand in the shower, washing off all the fatigue of the day only to crawl under the sheets.  
It was also that very same shower he was listening to at the moment, while watching the nightly silhouettes outside, the sole reason he was up still, had needed to be up to let in Yanjun, at first there had only be some faint knocking and he had even considered to just leave the older standing outside, acting asleep, but a second rep of knocks and he had been up, opening the door without a word only to turn back and the half-finished sentence of apologizing for the disturbance because “I didn’t want to wake up the girls to get my card” seemed to die on that busy tongue soon enough when realizing there was no attention paid, so it had just resulted in one returning to bed and the other disappearing into the bathroom.  
With anyone else, he’d dread the time of return, having too little of it to himself to think about what would happen next, but it was his boyfriend, someone he knew so very well, someone he knew would take eternity and an hour to wash up and get ready for bed, would give him enough time to sort his thoughts and think about it all, only to hit a dead end all over again because it would always be the same, until the day Mrs Lin would pass away because that’d likely happen before her son decided to act up and come out of the closet once and for all, he’d just have to suffer through being denied and treated as the best friend alone for another thirty years or something and then he’d be relieved of his burdens. All good.  
Except it wasn’t and he didn’t even realize until there was a hand wiping away on his cheeks, caressing the thin skin of his lower lids to rub away the little smears of wetness that had come from his eyes without his even noticing, too focused staring at his own nearly injured palm to even notice how the sound of the shower had died off and he had a perfectly naked male god in human form next to him.  
“Go dress yourself, I’m not in the mood,” he cursed without explaining anything else, turning onto his side, away from the older, but it wasn’t like he’d get far when his lover was stronger than him and so easily could pull him, finding himself straddling that naked body backwards, moisture seeping through his shirt and briefs and if it were another night, another situation, it would probably end with him grinding his hips back or Yanjun teasing him about having no ass, all while stuffing his mouth with elegant fingers just so he wouldn’t be able to protest.  
This night, though, was different, so instead there only were strong arms wrapping around his clad frame and a chin feeling heavy with the weight of a useless head resting on his shoulder, carved nose rubbing at his neck to soothe him down a bit and for a tiny bit he hated that it actually worked, hated how he so instinctively reached with his hands to cup the foreign ones resting on his body to lace their fingers and make sure the other was sticking close.  
“My luggage is still with Fu Jing, I can’t get dressed now,” the reply finally came, voice low and smooth and it made his toes curl with pleasant shivers and frustration all alike, ramming his heel into a tan thigh just to show his dislike but it was ignored, or maybe it wasn’t, he couldn’t really tell whether his boyfriend went on to explain himself or defend himself or just because of it, “I wanted to be back to you as soon as possible, hoped to take a shower together. And I think she did well of her promise to peel Meiqi out of that dress, didn’t want to interrupt that one.”  
The way sentences got slow and cut off was a telltale sign of the black haired getting sleepy, prompting Zhengting to shift his weight and attempt to lay down, to pull down the hugging one with him, but he was stopped in his tracks by arms wrapping tighter and pulling him back, butterfly kisses tracing his main artery without ever grazing the really sensitive spots on his neck, as if to prove it was only about love, about showing affection, not about wanting to get things on, and it surely worked.  
For some time it was silent in their room, only the noise of their breathing and some faint sounds from outside echoing around their four rented walls, but only for so long, because it became unbearable, literally feeling someone breath down his neck, the anticipation for a talk that was long overdue, the fading of a promise that had come with their heated kiss before the ceremony, so the dancer finally spoke up again, words faint and voice small, not daring to confess his concerns all too obviously, “They said you’re a good match… You and Fu Jing… That they hope you propose to her soon since she… she-” His words broke as his body tensed, kissed into relaxation again, his weight lifted up lightly and held in place just so Yanjun could move to his front swiftly and his ass was back to be planted on strong and tan thighs again.  
“Since she caught the bouquet?” The other asked in return, receiving a nod in return that was halted by their foreheads meeting, smaller body pulled closer to erase all distance between them to the point warm breath mingled in the little space beneath their noses and bangs clearly tangled. “You know it’s not what I want. There’s only one person I want to marry and it’s too bad I can’t.”  
“So what if you can? You will? You’ll propose to me and marry me? Do it secretly because all we ever do is done secretly? With no one but our friends to be invited so no one ever gets to know? Will you take off your ring whenever we visit your mom or else she thinks you’re married to Fu Jing who might already be married to Meiqi or god knows who at that time? What if we get to actually move further? What if we’re eventually allowed to adopt children? You want to hide them from your mother too? Want to deny them the right to meet their grandmother? Because I surely won’t forbid them to meet my mother! At least she already knows!” By the end of his whispered outburst he was out of breath, needing to keep his voice hushed draining most of his energy as compared to just yelling maybe, nothing he had tried out so far, regardless, because he wasn’t usually interested in fighting, would rather just sit it out but after nearly a decade he was just too fed up, swallowing it down only worked for so long. “You promised not to do it again… Never again…”  
“Zheng… Zhengzheng, hey,” Yanjun called softly, hands cupping that face flushed from anger to hold him close, steady him, all until their breathing followed the same rhythm again and trembles of anger and sadness had stopped rippling through the body on top. “I don’t know how it will go after it but the day we are allowed to marry, I will already have my proposal planned and then I’ll marry you. And if my mother protests against it, then be it. But don’t take that from me already now, I beg of you.”  
“So you will just leave your family behind if you’re forced to? And then what if we break up? You’ll hate me because I took that from you and-”  
This time around he was shushed by a kiss, plush lips pressing against his, silencing his words in the most gentle and tender way possible, reminding him it was impossible to ever deny the man he loved so much. “We won’t break up. Never. So don’t even think about it. The only way I could ever be taken from you is when I die and even then I will love you in the afterlife and the next, alright?”  
Again, Yanjun waited for a single affirmative nod before going on, brows still drawn together in worry as was declared, “And it won’t happen again. Let some weeks pass and I’ll tell mother that she isn’t my girlfriend. I’ll tell her I’m living with you so she stops bothering me about that and that I’ll finish my studies before I care about dating so we can buy ourselves some time. Can you wait until then? Can you wait for me to find out how to do this?”  
Slowly Zhengting nodded, too certain that it would still leave him hurting but also too tired to want to protest, not when all these promises had already soothed his heart, most of it, his fingers clinging to a naked waist still as he muttered, “You didn’t even look at me today…”  
“I did,” came to impromptu denial of his statement, gaze firm and eyes steady looking for his, “Every few seconds I looked at you. I counted the amount of glasses you downed to make sure you wouldn’t overdo it. Pleaded that my family won’t hurt you too much while they talk to you. I listened to all these women but all I could heard was your voice. I even was jealous of Meiqi for comforting you because I wasn’t able to and I was ready to punch that guy if he had so much as touch-”  
This time around Yanjun’s words were broken off, silenced by a kiss yet again and a slender body pressing against a firmer one, both tightening their holds for all of the endurance of that act of affection until their lungs demanded to be filled with oxygen again and immediately the dancer nestled his face in the crook of a tan neck and shoulder, inhaling the scent of tingly shower gel mixed with that scent only his lover could carry.  
“I felt so bad… I couldn’t help watching you again and again but you never seemed to look at me…”  
“I always did, I always looked,” the older promised, weight shifting so smoothly Zhengting didn’t even notice until he was cuddling against the other’s side, head resting on a warm chest that was tempting him to kiss it but he silently promised himself to only do so when morning has come, to use such method to wake up his surely exhausted boyfriend at such time in the most intimate way possible but for now, he really just wanted to listen to the sound of a heartbeat right beneath his ear, feel the heave and fall of a sturdy chest and the little sound of breathing that was lulling him in.  
“Zhengzheng?” Resounded a call from above but he only managed as much as a hum in response, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”  
Sleepily, overcome from the alcohol and daze, the exhaustion of a day and the warmth of a bed, thick blankets and a body he pressed against so tight, he hummed in return, affirming such question to let it follow up with a little whisper, “I love you… A lot…”  
“So do I, Zhengzheng, I love you too,” was said without hesitance, as was the kiss pressed on top of brunet hair, a welcome farewell to send him off to the realm of sleep while never letting go of his anchor in times of distress, the man that was his shining light, because he loved him that much and he wouldn’t let go of Yanjun.  
Never again.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats! You made it this far without giving up! You're the best entirely!
> 
> Have my [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhengjunist) and [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting) because I can


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